Mango's Jokes and Humor 3

Military Humor

 REMAINING U.S. CEOs MAKE A BREAK FOR IT

Bands of Roving Chief Executives Spotted Miles from Mexican Border San Antonio, Texas (Rooters)

Unwilling to wait for their eventual indictments, the 10,000 remaining CEOs of public U.S. companies made a break for it yesterday, heading for the Mexican border, plundering towns and villages along the way, and writing the entire rampage off as a marketing expense. "They came into my home, made me pay for my own TV, then double-booked the revenues," said Rachel Sanchez of Las Cruces, just north of El Paso. Right in front of my daughters."

Calling themselves the CEOnistas, the chief executives were first spotted last night along the Rio Grande River near Quemado, where they bought each of the town's 320 residents by borrowing against pension fund gains. By late this morning, the CEOnistas had arbitrarily inflated Quemado's population to 960, and declared a 200 percent profit for the fiscal second quarter.

This morning, the outlaws bought the city of Waco, transferred its under-performing areas to a private partnership, and sent a bill to California for $4.5 billion. Law enforcement officials and disgruntled shareholders riding posse were noticeably frustrated.

"First of all, they're very hard to find because they always stand behind their numbers, and the numbers keep shifting," said posse spokesman Dean Levitt. "And every time we yell 'Stop in the name of the shareholders!', they refer us to investor relations. I've been on the phone all damn morning."

"YOU'LL NEVER AUDIT ME ALIVE!"

The pursuers said they have had some success, however, by preying on a common executive weakness. "Last night we caught about 24 of them by disguising one of our female officers as a CNBC anchor," said U.S. Border Patrol spokesperson Janet Lewis. "It was like moths to a flame."

Also, teams of agents have been using high-powered listening devices to scan the plains for telltale sounds of the CEOnistas. "Most of the time we just hear leaves rustling or cattle flicking their tails," said Lewis, "but occasionally we'll pick up someone saying, 'I was totally out of the loop on that' or 'let's try and think outside the box.'

Among former and current CEOs apprehended with this method were Computer Associates' Sanjay Kumar, Adelphia's John Rigas, Enron's Ken Lay, Joseph Nacchio of Qwest, Joseph Berardino of Arthur Andersen, and every Global Crossing CEO since 1997. ImClone Systems' Sam Waksal and Dennis Kozlowski of Tyco were not allowed to join the CEOnistas as they have already been indicted.

So far, about 50 chief executives have been captured, including Martha Stewart, who was detained south of El Paso where she had cut through a barbed-wire fence at the Zaragosa border crossing off Highway 375. "She would have gotten away, but she was stopping motorists to ask for marzipan and food coloring so she could make edible Mexican Mariachi place  settings, using the cut pieces of wire for the arms," said Border Patrol  officer Jennette Cushing. "We put her in cell No. 7, because the morning sun really adds texture to the stucco walls."

While some stragglers are believed to have successfully crossed into Mexico, Cushing said the bulk of the CEOnistas have holed themselves up at the Alamo. "No, not the fort, the car rental place at the airport," she said. "They're rotating all the tires on the minivans and accounting for each change as a sales event."

Dopey Dwarf

Dopey Dwarf says to the Pope, "Are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
The Pope answers, "No."
"Are there any dwarf nuns in Italy?"
"No."
"Are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
The Pope says, "I'm sorry my son--no there are not."
The rest of the dwarfs start singing, "Dopey fucked a penguin! Dopey fucked a penguin!"

Handy Dictionary to Decipher Personals Ads

WOMEN'S ADS

MEN'S ADS

Well, shit!

Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language. You can be shit faced, Shit out of luck, Or have shit for brains.

With a little effort, You can get your shit together, Find a place for your shit Or decide to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, Buy shit, Sell shit, Lose shit, Find shit, Forget shit, And tell others to eat shit and die.

Some people know their shit while others can't Tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, Dumb shits, Crazy shits, And sweet shits.

There is bull shit, Horse shit and Chicken shit.

You can throw shit, Sling shit, Catch shit, Shoot the shit, Or duck when shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit Or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit Or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, Some days are hotter than shit, And some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, Things can look like shit, And there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, Not enough shit, The right shit, The wrong shit or A lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, Have a mountain of shit, Or find yourself up a Shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit And other times you swim in a lake of shit And come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, It's the basic building block of creation. And remember, once you know your shit, You don't need to know anything else! You could pass this along .... if you give a shit.

 The Official Code of Male Conduct

1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolat.

2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally beaten and killed by his fellow partygoers.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call bullshit. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)

6. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.

7. The maximum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

8. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

9. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional.

10. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

11. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return is required to grant it.

12. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and, more importantly, the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

13. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem-you didn't see nothin'.

14. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

15. (Gas Warfare Act) you may flatulate in front of a woman only after you've brought her to climax. But if you trap her head under the covers (Dutch Oven) for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

16. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel and it's free.

17. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

18. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

19. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.

20. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weightlifting: "Yeah, baby, push it!" "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!" "Another set and we can hit the showers." " Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"

21. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

22. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

23. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay.

24. Before allowing drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "Fuck Off!" You are absolved of your responsibility.

25. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

Chain Letter to make Your Sex Life Better

This chain letter was developed by virile men in order to make their Sex life even more fantastic. As opposed to normal chain letters, this one costs nothing, and you can only win. Simply send this e-mail to 9 of your best friends who are just as virile as you. Then anaesthetize your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton (don't forget some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of your list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive 823,542 women through the post. Statistically, among those women, will be at least:

* 0.5 Miss Worlds
* 2.5 Models
* 463 Wild Nymphos
* 3,234 Good-looking Nymphos
* 20,198 Who Enjoy Multiple Orgasms
* 40,198 Bi-sexual Women

In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off. And, Best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.

DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorial expression on her face. On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain letter.)

While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place Above me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages. YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sexlife. No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that only interest women) just so that you can screw her. No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement. Do not hesitate: send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.

PS: Even when you have no girlfriend, you can use your vacuum cleaner.

PPS: This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they can prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may Soon undertake. Must dash, the mail has just arrived.

Rodney Dangerfield's Best One Liners

• I was so poor growing up ... If I wasn't born a boy ... I'd have had nothing to play with.
• A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
• If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
• During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
• One day as I came home early from work I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."
• Its been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
• I was such an ugly kid .. when I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
• I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
• I was such an ugly baby ... my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
• I'm so ugly ... my father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
• When I was born .. the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could ... but he pulled through."
• I'm so ugly ... my mother had morning sickness after I was born.
• Once when I was lost ... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" "He said, "I don't know kid ... there are so many places they can hide."
• My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
• I'm so ugly ... I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
• I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."
• I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

Good News, Bad News

Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital that his wife has had an accident. At the hospital he questions the doctor about her condition. The doctor says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."

Her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is  inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her." Mr. Jones begins to sob.

"And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia." Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.

"Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder, and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day." Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.

The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her faeces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincter. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course  you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly."  Now Mr. Jones is convulsing, sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither into a sobbing pitiful mass.

Just then the doctor reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder and says, "Hey, I'm just fucking with you, she's dead."

Racial Profiling

To ensure we Americans never offend anyone - particularly fanatics intent on killing us, airport screeners will not be allowed to profile people. They will continue random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, Secret Service agents who are members of the President's security detail and 85-year old Congressmen with metal hips and Medal Of Honor winning former Governors.

Let's pause a moment and take the following test.

In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped & massacred by:

   (a) Olga Corbutt
   (b) Sitting Bull
   (c) Arnold Schwarzenegger
   (d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40

In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:

    (a)    Norwegians from Ballard
    (b)    Elvis
    (c)    A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
    (d)    Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:

    (a)    A pizza delivery boy
    (b)    Crazed feminists complaining that being able to throw a grenade beyond its own burst radius was an
            unfair and sexist requirement in basic training
    (c)    Geraldo Rivera making up for a slow news day
    (d)    Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

During the 1980's a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:

   (a) John Dillinger
   (b) The King of Sweden
   (c) The Boy Scouts
   (d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40

In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked, and a 70 year old  American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard by:

   (a) The Smurfs
   (b) Davy Jones
   (c) The Little Mermaid
   (d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40.

In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, & a U.S. Navy diver was murdered by:

   (a) Captain Kidd
   (b) Charles Lindberg
   (c) Mother Teresa
   (d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40

In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:

    (a)    Luca Brazzi, for not being given a part in "Godfather 2"
    (b)    The Tooth Fairy
    (c)    Butch and Sundance who had a few sticks of dynamite left over from the train mission
    (d)    Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by:

   (a) Richard Simmons
   (b) Grandma Moses
   (c) Michael Jordan
   (d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40.

In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:

    (a)    Mr. Rogers
    (b)    Hillary, to distract attention from Wild Bill's women problems
    (c)    The World Wrestling Federation to promote its next villain: "Mustapha the Merciless"
    (d)    Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked and destroyed & thousands of  people were killed by:

    (a)    Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck, and Elmer Fudd
    (b)    The Supreme Court of Florida trying to outdo their attempted hijacking of the 2000 Presidential election
    (c)    Mr. Bean
    (d)    Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:

   (a) Bonny and Clyde
   (b) Captain Kangaroo
   (c) Billy Graham
   (d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40.
 

Hmmm   nope, ain't no patterns here.

Teaching Math

• Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
   

• Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
   

• Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C," the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?
   

• Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
   

• Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.
   

• Teaching Math in 2000: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?

Windows

At a past computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

l. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "CarNT," but then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive- but would run on only five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same sized butt.

9. The airbag system would ask "are you sure" before deploying.

10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept.

12. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off .

Lesbonics

1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians? A licker cabinet.

2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian? A Klondyke.

3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns? Militia Etheridge.

4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time? Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with MaryKay on their face.

5. Why do lesbians like to be reincarnated as whales? So they can have 10 foot tongues and breathe out of the tops of their heads.

6. What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe? Fur Traders.

7. What is a lesbian dinosaur called? A Lickalotapuss.

8. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers? Well Hung.

9. What do two lesbians do when they are having their periods? Fingerpaint.

10. What do lesbians call an open can of tuna? POTPOURRI.

11. What did the lesbian vampire say to her partner? See you next month.

12. Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres drowned? She was found face down in Ricki Lake.

13. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? Even the pool table doesn't have balls

14. Do you know what drag is? It's when a man wears everything a lesbian won't.

15. What do you call lesbian twins? Lick-a-likes.

16. How can you tell if a lesbian is butch? She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.

17. What's the definition of confusion? Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

18. What's the difference between a ritz cracker and a lesbian? One's a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker!

The Bank of Canada

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!) The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did.

The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.

The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

The Midget and the Rancher

This Guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse .  The buddy says,"how will I recognize him?" "That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"? So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"? So he picks the little fella up again, and shows  him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth. can I see her mouf"? The rancher is gettin pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"? At this point, the rancher grabs him under his arm and jams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's you-know-what, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrathe that". "Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit"?
 

The word "Fuck"

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories.

It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck". Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations...

It has also been used by many notable people throughout history...

"What the fuck was that?"  - Mayor of Hiroshima

"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" - Captain of the Titanic

"That's not a real fucking gun." - John Lennon

"Who's gonna fucking find out?" - Richard Nixon

"Heads are going to fucking roll." - Anne Boleyn

"Let the fucking woman drive." - Commander of Space Shuttle

"What fucking map?" - "Challenger," Mark Thatcher

"Any fucking idiot could understand that." - Albert Einstein

"It does so fucking look like her!" - Picasso

"How the fuck did you work that out?" - Pythagoras

"You want what on the fucking ceiling?" - Michaelangelo

"Fuck a duck." - Walt Disney

"Why?- Because its fucking there!" - Edmund Hilary

"I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?" - Joan of Arc

"Scattered fucking showers my ass." - Noah

"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head." - John F. Kennedy

For the latest in Late Night humor click here

Late Night One Liners

• Johnny Walker, the American that fought for the Taliban, is now talking with an Arabic accent. Have you heard him? It's ridiculous. I know how we should handle him. Let's bring him back here and take him to Cleveland Browns stadium and dress him up as a referee. They'll know how to take care of him! - Jay Leno
   
• Did you see President Bush throw out the first pitch of game two of the World Series? The White House said it was a strike. The Taliban said it missed and killed several innocent people." -David Letterman
   
• "There are now rumors that the Taliban has been poisoning the food we have been dropping. We should make a deal with the people of Afghanistan. We'll taste your food, you check our mail." -Jay Leno
   
• "President Bush has announced twice last week he does not have anthrax. Remember the good old days when the only thing we worried about the president catching was herpes." -Jay Leno
   
• "Today, down in Washington, the FBI stopped a heavyset, unemployed bearded guy. Turned out to be Al Gore." -David Letterman
   
• "Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said this week there's a good chance we'll never get bin Laden. Bin Laden! We couldn't even get O.J.!" -Jay Leno
   
• "I went to see that movie 'From Hell,' or as Osama bin Laden calls it - 'Roots.'" -Jay Leno
   
• "Do you remember the good ol' days when Congress was only unsafe if you were an intern." -David Letterman
   
• "Big sports news today. New world record in the 100-yard dash. It was set by 435 congressmen running from the Capitol." -Jay Leno
   
• "The big question now is who will take power in Afghanistan once the Taliban is defeated. I was thinking, how about Al Gore? He's not doing anything, he needs a job, and he's already got the beard." -Jay Leno.
   
• "Know what the Taliban leaders like to do for fun? Just sit around and get bombed." -Jay Leno
   
• "Somebody said, 'What good will it do to kill Osama bin Laden?' I said, 'I don't know, let's find out.'" -Don Imus
   
• "You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration." -Jay Leno
   
• "People want to say there isn't racial profiling at the airport, but let's be honest. If you first name is Mohammed, and your last name isn't Ali, leave a little extra time." -Jay Leno
   
• "The FBI is urging all Americans to beware of any letters or packages that have badly misspelled words. Man, this is going to be terrible news for the rap industry." -Jay Leno
   
• "Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be people in this town couldn't wait to get an envelope full of white powder." -Jay Leno
   
• "More and more news coming out about this Osama bin Laden guy. He's 6'5" and has 42 children. Or, as the NBA calls him, a rookie." -Jay Leno
   
• "Now this really annoys me; all these people getting on the Internet and saying Nostradamus predicted this. If Nostradamus were alive today his name would be Miss Cleo and he'd be charging $2.99 a minute." -Jay Leno
   
• "People are being much, much nicer to each other in New York. And I have to be honest, it's kind of weird. The other night at Shea Stadium, instead of yelling 'You suck!' at the Braves, Mets fans were yelling, 'Others are better than you!'" -Conan O'Brien
   
• "Clinton and Dole are joining forces to raise $100 million in scholarship money for the families of the victims. But you know who also deserves a pat on the back, Elizabeth Dole. Her husband is on Viagra and he's gone on the road with Bill Clinton - that is one trusting woman." -Jay Leno

Good Alibi

A guy gets pulled over for speeding 88 MPH in a 45 zone. The cop asks for his drivers license and the guy says, "I'm sorry officer, but my license was suspended after my 5th DUI."

The cop asks for his registration and the guy says, "It's in the glove compartment, but it's not in my name because I stole this car in a car jacking and I killed the woman that owns the car and stuffed her in the trunk and the gun I used is in the glove compartment. At this point the cop tells the guy to keep his hands in sight and he radios for back-up.

When a supervisor shows up, the cop tells him the story and he walks up to the guy in the car. The supervisor asks to see the guy's drivers license and the guy hands it over and it is valid with the guys real name and information.

The supervisor asks for the registration and the guy says, "It's in the Glove compartment." The supervisor tells the guy to keep his hands in sight and walks around to the passenger side and opens the glove compartment. There is the registration in the guys name and everything seems in order. 

Next the supervisor asks the guy to get out and open the trunk. The guy opens the trunk and the only thing there is a spare tire. At this point the supervisor tells the guy what the other cop had told him.

The guy says "I'll bet that lying S.O.B. told you I was speeding too!"

Health Advice

With summer approaching, this may help guide you in an appropriate exercise program ...

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is good for only so many beats & that's it. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; it's just the opposite. It's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat & eat more fruits & vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay & corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass - green leafy vegetables! And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Are beer & wine bad for me?

A: Look, this goes to the earlier point about fruits & vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral & vegetable. We all know that beer & wine are not animal, & they're not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger & a beer & enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, & you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench press. What did he mean?

A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health clubs; however, if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in, you probably ought to re-evaluate your exercise program (you pervert!)

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Sorry ... can't think of a single one. My philosophy is: No Pain - No Pain. And remember, if you want to stay in shape, round IS a shape.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should be doing sit-ups only if you want a bigger stomach.

I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had regarding food & exercise. Now go be good to yourself. Be healthy & happy. Have a steak, drink some booze, then take a nap.

Two Hands

Why does a Filipino have two hands?

One hand to shoot himself in the foot and the other to hold the microphone.

"Ey Boss"

"Ey, boss I not come work today I really sick.
 I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I not come work."
 
  The boss says: "You know Carlos I really need you today. When I
  feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.
  That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."
 
  Two hours later Carlos calls: "Boss, I did what you said and I
  feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house."

Female Hormones in Beer

Yesterday, Scientists for Health Canada suggested that considering the results of a recent analysis, they discovered the presence of female hormones in beer, and that men should take a serious look at their overall beer consumption. The unofficial theory from this study is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test this theory, 100 men were fed six pints of beer within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100 percent of the men actually gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became very emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating, couldn't perform sexually, and refused to apologize when they were wrong. No further testing is planned.

Man's Perfect Breakfast

You're sitting at the table.

1) Your son is on the cover of the box of Wheaties.

2) Your mistress is on the cover of Playboy.

3) Your wife is on the back of the milk carton.

Born to Sell

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big mega-department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, $101,237.64."

The boss says, $101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"

The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

The kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot -- you might as well go fishing."

Tiger Woods

    A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
    The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and get some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that. " "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
    The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "What are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
    The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this damn hole..."

Quotes from Al Gore

• "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
  
• "Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
  
• "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."
  
• "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
  
• "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
  
• "The future will be better tomorrow."
  
• "People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
  
• "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
  
• "For NASA, space is still a high priority."
  
• "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

AND, OF COURSE, The ALL TIME FAVORITE QUOTATION OF MR. AL GORE:

• "As many of you know, I was very instrumental in the founding of the Internet."

Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Answers:

JERRY FALWELL:    Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it: the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.

KEN STARR:     I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the president of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he co-operates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed. (We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.)

PAT BUCHANAN:    To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

DR. SEUSS:    Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:    To die. In the rain.

DUTCH:    In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:    This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN:    What chicken?

FOX MULDER:    You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

FREUD:    The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES:    I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your Checkbook.

EINSTEIN:    Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:    I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. Define chicken.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN:    The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

COLONEL SANDERS:    I missed one?

L.A. POLICE DEPARTMENT:    Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.

A Lawyer Joke

    The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.  The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute and said, "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000 and you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
    The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"  Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, "Um... No."  "Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"  The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her penniless with three children?"
    The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."  On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again:  "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

David Letterman's Top Ten McDonald's Excuses for a Condom found in a Big Mac

10.     We were test marketing the new "McRibbed."

9.     Condom, Condiment.....What's the damned difference.

8.     It still tastes better than the Arch Deluxe.

7.     It was either there, or in the vanilla shake.

6.     Turns out the rumors about Grimace and Mayor McCheese are true.

5.     We're experimenting with a new, even happier meal.

4.     Employees too embarrassed to ask "Would you like a condom with that?"

3.     So what? A regular Big Mac is 60% latex anyway.

2.     Drive-thru speaker broken: "Coke with lots of ice" sounds like "Prophylactic device."

    And the number one McDonald's Excuse for the Condom in the Big Mac:

1.     When you're serving billions and billions, you can't be too careful.

Ten Things that really Piss Me Off � by Adam Sandler

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no dick.

3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

4. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat?

5. When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it?

6. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at frikken ceiling up there.

7 The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't". Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake!

8. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?

9. When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

10 When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole, you fucking pulled me over.

Ed Zachary

    A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite sometime.  She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.  Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well known Chinese sex therapist.  So she went to see him.

    Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, OK, take off all you crose.  The woman did as she was told.   Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of room.  Again, the woman did as she was instructed.  Dr. Chang then said, OK, now craw reery reery fass back to me.   So she did.  Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said, Your probrem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, dat why you not haf sex or dates.

    Confused, the woman asked, Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease? Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied, Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass.

If You Are Really Filipino

• You point with your lips.
  
• Your other piece of luggage is a balikbayan box.
  
• You put your foot up on your chair and rest your elbow on your knee while eating.
  
• You use a rock to scrub yourself in the bath or shower.
  
• You're standing next to eight big boxes at the airport.
  
• Your house has a distinctive aroma.
  
• You go to a department store and try to bargain the prices.
  
• You use an umbrella for shade on hot summer days.
  
• You find dried up morsels of rice stuck to your shirt.
  
• You add an unwanted "H" to your name, i.e. "Jhun," "Bhoy," or "Rhon."
  
• You put your hand in front of you as if to make a path and say "Excuse, excuse" when you pass in between people or in front of them.
  
• Your middle name is your mother's maiden name.
  
• You say "comfort room" instead of "bathroom."
  
• You say "for take out" instead of "to go."
  
• You "open" and "close" the lights.
  
• You ask for "Colgate" instead of "toothpaste."

Texas Trooper

    Two guys are traveling through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper.  The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.  The driver says, "Why'd you do that?"  The trooper says, "You're in Texas son, when I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."  The drivers says, "I'm sorry officer, I'm not from around here."  The trooper runs a check on the guys license, and he's clean.  He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick. The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?" The trooper says, "Just making your wishes come true." The passenger says, "Huh?" The trooper says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, "I wish that cop would've tried that shit with me."

Witty One-Liners

There's two theories to arguin' with a woman.  Neither one works.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

Health is mearly the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "Y" becomes silent.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

The six top reasons computers are female:

6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.

5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.

4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2. The message "Bad command or File Name" is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE:

1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.

Interesting sayings...

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Me, getting smart with you? ....How would you know?

Tell me what you need, and I'll explain how you can get along without it.

US Army Official Voice Message

Thank you for calling the United States Army. I'm sorry, but all of our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organization, the region, the specific crisis, and a number at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Korea, China, the Y2K Bug, marching up and down the streets of Washington, DC, and compulsory "Consideration of Others" training, we will return your call.

Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please listen to the following numbers:

If your crisis is small, and close to the sea, press 1 for the United States Marine Corps.

If your concern is distant, with a temperate climate and good hotels, and can be solved by one or two low risk, high altitude bombing runs, please press 2 for the United States Air Force. Please note this service is not available after 1630 hours, or on weekends. Special consideration will be given to customers requiring satellite or stealth technology who can provide additional research and development funding.

If your inquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of grey funnel, bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please write, well in advance, to the United States Navy. Please note that Tomahawk missile service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come, first-served basis.

If your inquiry is not urgent, please press 3 for the Rapid Deployment Force.

If you are in real hot trouble, please press 4, and your call will be routed to the United States Army Special Operations Command. Please note that a compulsory credit check will be required to ensure you can afford the inherent TDY costs. Also be aware that USASOC may bill your account at any time and is not required to tell you why, as it will be classified.

If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis, put your wife and family in a condemned hut miles from civilization, are prepared to work your ass off daily, risking your life, in all weather and terrain, both day and night, and whilst watching Congress erode your original benefits package, then please stay on the line, Your call will shortly be connected to a bitter passed-over Army Recruiter in an old strip mall down by the Post Office. Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the United States Army.

Murphy's Laws of Combat

You are not supermen. (Freshly graduated recruits from Marine boot camp and all fighter pilots, especially, take note.)

If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.

Don�t look conspicuous � it draws fire. (For this reason aircraft carriers have been called "bomb magnets.")

Never forget your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.

If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.

The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.

The easy way is always mined.

If you are short of everything except enemy, you are in combat.

When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.

Incoming fire has the right-of-way.

No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection (Note: No Marine unit has ever failed a combat readiness inspection, which suggests peacetime inspections are to readiness as messhall food is to cuisine.)

If the enemy is in range, SO ARE YOU.

Beer math is 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.

Suppressive fires � won't.

Body-count math is 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemy killed in action.

Friendly fire - isn't.

Things that must be together to work usually can't be shipped together.

Anything you do can get you shot - including doing nothing.

Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you can't get out. (This seems to be the guiding design principle behind our own Bradley infantry fighting vehicle, which nicely packages the troops in armored boxes for group destruction.)

Tracers work BOTH ways.

The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

Military Oaths of Enlistment

    All persons, upon entering the Military Service and upon re-enlistment are required to take the Oath of Enlistment. At one time the Oath of Enlistment was the same for all services. Due to changes in both society and the differing Military Branches, the Oath has undergone marked change and has been specifically tailored to each branch of the Military and their specific function. Here are the latest versions of the Oath of Enlistment as recently released by the Joint Chief's of Staff:

U.S. Air Force Oath of Enlistment

    I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my useless life to the UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army, because the Marines frighten me and I am afraid of water over waist deep. I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done by others more dedicated than me who take their job seriously. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike riding test as a valid form of exercise. I swear to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States, even though I believe myself to be above that. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I know I'm not really in the Military and I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of "Basic Training" <snicker I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chairborne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I will do no work unless someone is watching me (and it makes me look good), will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. I consent to never being promoted (EVER) and understand that all those whom I made fun of yesterday will probably outrank me tomorrow. So Help Me God!

U.S. Army Oath of Enlistment

    I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will see is a Court Martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my Sexual.....er....I mean "Basic Training," I will attend a different Army school every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a better looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times I will continue to take her back. While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave every day at 1300 to report back to "COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So Help Me God!

U.S. Navy Oath of Enlistment

    I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," because I didn't want to actually live in dirt like the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...why not?" I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, geedunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 hrs every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930 hours. I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound "colleagues." So Help Me Neptune!

U.S. Marine Corps Oath of Enlistment

I, (have someone recite your name for you), swear....uhhhh....high-and-tight....grunt...cammies....ugh...Air Force Women....OORAH! So Help Me CORPS!